Real Cowboys Only Need Six Shots
by BorisTheBlade
Summary: Harken back to the days of yesteryear... The smoke from cigars and the smoke from gun barrels bellow into the sky as the sun rises on the horizon. However, now the new genre and the old merge to bring you a Spaghetti Western worthy of The Man With No Name
1. Jaded

**_Real Cowboys Only Need Six Shots_**

Chapter 1- Jaded

* * *

_"HI-HO SILVER... AWAY!"_

The _William Tell Overture_ blasted from the television's speakers on the Bebop. Ed danced around in mindless bliss on her broomstick horse with a bandanna wrapped around her neck and a mask covering her eyes. She had Ein in tow, the Welsh Corgi hanging on for dear life.

"GO BACK TO THE DAYS OF YESTERYEAR!!!! TEE-HEE!!! HORSIE GOOOO!!!!" Edward bounced around the living room of the Bebop, bounding off the couch, the table, the chair

Jet's curiosity finally got the better of him as he heard an amazing amount of ruckus coming from the living room he heard all the way in the cockpit. Jet's balding head peaked around at Ed's new obsession in full blast causing havoc to the furniture. Not surprised in the least, Jet rounded the corner and with a "what's going on now?" look on his face strolled into the living room, hands on his hips. Edward obviously didn't notice him right away. She kept screaming and bouncing all around until, finally, she leapt over to Jet and swung her extremely flexible arms around his neck. Jet stood there, unfazed, that there was now a demented teenager and a Welsh Corgi acting as his necklace.

"Ed..." Jet began rather slowly, "What the hell are you doing?"

"Edward is the LONE RANGER!!!!" She bounded off Jet's spine and hopped to all fours to allow Ein escape from her knapsack.

He didn't get far before she snatched the canine up in her arms again.

"And this is my trusty woof-woof! TONTO!!!" Edward sang gleefully

Ein lowered his ears and made what Jet could only distinguish as a pleading noise as Edward carried the pooch around, never ceasing a moment to catch her breath as she screamed the entire intro to the _Lone Ranger_. Jet shook his head, smiling, and walked over to the TV. He saw the black and white show on in full glory with the masked man riding on his trusty steed. He was in the process of turning around to ask Ed something else when he saw a cloth horse-head pop up right in front of his nose. Jet, taken aback by the artificial livestock, fell backwards rolling onto the couch and then sliding off the couch and onto the floor in a thud. When Jet opened his eyes the horse again greeted him. Stupid horse... how he despised thee. This time the showcasing of her makeshift steed was accompanied by some more of Ed's ramblings.

"And this is Ed's horsie!!! SILLYVER!!!! IT'S HOWDY DOODY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Jet got up and dusted himself off.

"Say, Ed, how'd you find this?" he questioned referring to the black and white cowboy drama playing out for them on the TV

"Ed go seeeeeeeaaaarrrrcccchhiiiiinnngg...And then..." Ed replied, cocking her head as she came to the end of the word, "Ed founds it!"

"What made you want to look for old television programs, Ed?" Jet still was watching the Lone Ranger foiling ruffians on his TV

"They mentioned it on Big Shot-Shot." Ed answered, "They said... What did they say?" Ed asked herself as she hopped on her hands to help her think

"Ed remembers! Blond haired lady said they have biiiiiigggg bounty and black guy with funny-funny voice said he's like a modern day _LLLLOOOONNNEEEE RRRRAAAANNNGGGEEER!!!_" Ed screamed out imitating Punch's southern drawl and accent

"Did they say anything about how much the bounty was, Ed?" Jet became more interested in what Ed was saying than the gun slinging on the TV

"MMMMMM..." Ed contemplated for a moment, "It was... EIGHT MILLION WOOLONGS!!!!" Ed yelled in Judy's accent as she hopped to her feet and struck a pose you would expect from Michigan J. Frog

"Eight million? Who? WHO?!" Faye yelled as she jumped out of the shadows and grabbed her teenage companion by the shoulders and shook her

Faye's hair was dripping, she was wrapped in a towel, and a cigarette protruded from her mouth as she stared into Ed's insanely large eyes. Ed looked at Faye-Faye, then back at Jet person. 

"Bebop-Bebop going after new bounty?" Ed inquired innocently

Jet grunted in response.

"This is a pretty big catch... and even our supply of Bell Peppers is running low." He nodded, crossing his arms

Edward suddenly hopped out of Faye's grasp and jumped atop Jet's head and acted as if she had binoculars.

"SSSSSSSSSSSSSSEARCHING FOR A BOUNTY ON BEBOP-BEBOP!"

And with that she slid down Jet's back, slithered like a snake to where Ein was and curled up around the pooch

_YAWN_

Spike, at that point, waltzed in, cigarette between his fingers and his other hand busy rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He was still dressed in his pants and undershirt as he opened his eyes and took a drag of his cigarette. Faye and Jet just looked at him with small smiles on their faces.

"Did I miss something?" his face in genuine questioning

Jet and Faye just looked at each other. Spike could sleep through Ed... Spike could sleep through anything.

"His name is Cassidy Sundance." Jet growled pointing at the monitor

Spike lay, belly down, on the couch gazing at the screen while Faye stood above him, now dressed and working diligently to adjust her headband. Spike looked at the picture on the monitor of the skinny, pale skinned fellow before rolling onto his back and, in effect, looking at Faye instead of the screen.

"That little wimp?" questioned the afro-sporting cowboy, obviously taking the words out of Faye's mouth, as her mouth was open to speak

Faye just let out a little look of annoyance as Spike did this. They all knew Faye just adored hearing herself speak.

"Don't be fooled by looks, Spike. Lord know you've _never_ done that before." Mocked Jet in his best sarcastic tone he usually saved for the disputes on the Bebop that had to do with who was eating the rations or who had the most funds racked up.

Jet was very aware of Spike either underestimating or overestimating the situation. If it were a simple bounty then buildings would crumble. The tough ones, however, were the ones he went in double fisted and kung-fuing his way through thug after thug. And, in the end, bounties like that always end up in the one-that-got-away category. And, seeing as Faye ordered Ed to keep track of who caught, and let get away, the most bounties on her hard drive, there was now undisputed evidence that Spike had let the most bounties slip through his fingers. She intended to use this as blackmail against him but now the records were common knowledge and they used them as a digital scoreboard.

"So where is this guy anyway?" Faye walked around the couch and sat on the end next to Spike's shoes and preceded to push his legs off the couch so she, herself, could stretch out

Spike kicked her in the feet as his legs feel to the floor. Faye just smiled at him and batted her eyes. Spike didn't mind too much, however. He was about to get up anyway to retrieve the pack of cigarettes he had left atop the fridge in the kitchen.

"He's hiding out somewhere on one of the developmental tracts of land on Io." Responded Jet as he watched Spike stroll out of the living room.

"Io?!" Faye whined, "That useless hunk of rock and sand?! What's he doing all the way out there..." she pouted

"It's a great hiding place, Faye. And he had good reason to hide. Multiple counts of murder, robbery, assault, grand larceny, and a string of other misdemeanors longer than the digits on Spike's hospital bills." Jet explained, as he smiled at the end. He thought it was quite a clever comparison

"I heard that!" Spike growled from the kitchen

Spike ran his fingers through the green jungle of hair perched atop his head. He was listening to Jet's description of their next hit and it didn't sound promising. He knew about Io, the developmental planet. However, at the moment, Io was the least of his concern. He quickly went over to the fridge and snatched up the pack of cigarettes that lay on top of the silver box. He looked at the label on the pack and noticed that these weren't even his. He smirked when he realized they were Faye's brand. He flicked one out of the package and lit it. He hoped Faye noticed. The shrew was getting on his early morning nerves. He stuck the pack in the pocket of his pants and opened the fridge, quite proud of his cigarette pilfering. He looked inside the cooling box to find a few cans of... something, a few boxes of, most likely, that same something, dog food, and some snacks. Nothing he was interested in... except a can of Pippu. He quickly grabbed it off the shelf. Nicotine and caffeine in the morning were a splendid combo. He popped the top and, after grabbing the cancer tube from his lips, poured some of the liquid down his throat. No sooner than was it reaching the halfway point in his throat then did Spike grimace slightly. He pulled the can away from his mouth abruptly, spilling some of the cola on his shirt. He then set the can on top of the fridge and opened the door once more. He thrust his hand inside and turned it over and around. He pulled it out with one of his "I wanna kill everyone" looks plastered on his face and he then slammed the refrigerator door. It didn't make the slamming noise he wanted, seeing as it was shut with one of those soft magnets, but he was pissed.

"Jet!" he yelled from the kitchen

"What?!" the ex-cop grumbled back

There was a pause, as Spike began contemplating how to break the news to them and at the same time perceived the chaos that was about to ensue.

"The fridge is _dead!_"


	2. Green Onions

Chapter 2- Green Onions

* * *

"This is so predictable!"

Spike was not having a grand time at all. Ever since he came to the realization that the fridge was no longer refrigerating he began to go into profanity mode. The fact that he called something _predictable_ instead of a_ piece of shit, mother fucking, useless pile of crap_ was a drastic improvement.

"Well, it's a good thing not much was in there." Jet surmised while he closed his eyes, tired of things breaking around his ship

He knelt in front of the fridge with a nicotine stick burning in his mouth. 

"C'mon, Jet! We need to get that damn thing fixed..." Faye leaned against the wall and whined

"I don't see you helping." Scolded the senior cowboy

Faye then smirked a little and began gazing at her hands.

"Oh... but I might chip a nail." 

"THIS IS SO TYPICAL!" Spike growled, "I had just gone to the damned store, too! This is the Mount Fucking Everest of inconveniences!"

Normally they would have ignored Spike's ranting at this point but his stomach made some strange noises at the end that left both Faye and Jet strangely satisfied

"You went to the store?" Faye questioned with a unbelieving look on her face

"Inconvenience? You wanna' talk about inconvenience, Spike?" spoke Jet as he rose from his kneeling position

Spike immediately grimaced. He knew he should have never opened his big mouth and used such a word.

"Inconvenience is what happens whenever I send you to the store... Especially last time."

Faye now loved how this was turning out. She began to whistle, quite pleased with the fact Jet wasn't yelling at her for once. Spike shot her a dirty look before turning his face back around to Jet. The Black Dog had crossed his arms across his chest and held his head high, eyes closed.

"I sent you to the store to buy normal things. Beef, chicken, bell peppers, eggs, bread. The staples of any normal people. But you decided that the fact we spent all our newly begotten money on this food was inconsistent with how you usually do things. So, on your way out of the store you see a guy you _think_ is a five million woolong bounty-head and so, flinging the groceries aside, you give chase."

Jet had apparently told this story before. Spike was inching away from Jet ever so slightly. He was trying to inch his way back to the couch to sink into the cushions but his partner was already on a role and despite the fact Faye had already heard the story, she was eager to see Spike pissed off one more time. It was just so damn satisfying.

"So, you caught the guy. And then you realized you just spent your time and effort on apprehending a fellow consumer, like yourself. Not one to become too let down you go back to retrieve your groceries. Once back where you had dropped them, that is when you realize they weren't there. It was also when you came to the amazing revelation that the store happened to be on the eighth floor of the building. Thus, whence you carelessly tossed aside our food it went hurling over the railing to the planets surface and eggs, chicken, bell peppers, beef, and bread became one large scrambled egg, chicken, beef, and bell pepper sandwich with a side of dirt and your roommates are gonna' kill you when you get back to the ship."

Ending the story on a good note Faye made a long whistle and then a splat sound. Spike shot her another glance but not with as much force. He had already been humiliated. The fluffy haired bounty hunter cocked his head to the side and gritted his teeth.

"The inconvenience isn't the fact that the fridge is out it's what I put inside the fridge. That day I had gone to a deli and I found the perfect sandwich. It was heavenly. So, I bought a few more to eat at my leisure and, eventually, put them in the fridge so they wouldn't get bad."

"HMMM??? We're they those ham and baloney sammiches?"

Spike jumped around, startled, to see Edward sitting on her hands with Ein on top of her orange hair. Spike looked at her, wondering how she knew about the sandwiches and nodded his head.

"MMMMM!!!! THOSE WERE GOOOOODDD! RIGHT EIN?!" Edward jumped up immediately. The dog just barked

Suddenly the other two cowboys noticed their green haired companion's eye start to twitch rapidly. Spike just stalked out of the room without saying another word or looking at anyone.

"Edward... You just made my day." Jet smiled at the teenager

Ed hopped on her hands, "Spike person mad... ED GOES TO CHEER SPIKE PERSON UP!"

Faye couldn't contain her laughter. Any second now they were going to hear a string of curse words and things being thrown in the den. Jet, obviously thinking the same thing, smiled back at Faye. The woman pushed herself away from the wall of the ship and pulled a nail filer from her pocket. She began filing her nails as she turned to Jet.

"So, what about this bounty?" She questioned

"Yes, Faye, what about it?" Jet retorted

"Wha? You aren't helping us on this one?" she stopped filing her nails long enough to let out of look of surprise

"I've had enough run-ins on Io to last a lifetime. Sides, Spike didn't seem too worried when he saw his photo."

Faye smirked a big smirk. She remembered what Spike said and how she was angry that he took the words out of her mouth. However, now she could rub it in his face.

"Oh, what Spike doesn't understand is looks aren't everything..." she said as she started to listlessly walk back to the living room to see the chaos that was, no doubt, about to ensue.

However, as Faye revealed herself through the doorway of the living room she gazed inside only to see Edward typing on her keyboard with her toes. 

"Hey, Ed, where'd Spike go?" she questioned the child

"Spike person said that he didn't have to take this cccrrraappp and if he caught the bounty himself he would spend the reward himself." Ed smiled, not once taking her huge eyes off the computer screen

Just then Faye heard the Swordfish fly off the deck of the Bebop as if she had called for God to confirm what Ed was saying and he did.

"Shit..." Faye swore, "Jet, I'm going after the bounty! I'll be in touch!" she yelled as she ran to the hatch to fetch her own ship

Jet poked his head out of the kitchen.

"What are you..." he started but all he saw was Faye's purple hair flying behind her as she ran out the door

Jet, remembering the conversation earlier, quoted Spike.

"This is so typical." 

Jet was trimming his bonsai trees. He made a cut here, a cut there. However, he was unable to enjoy his work today. Other things were on his mind. However, he knew what he wanted from the bonsai. He knew how he wanted to make it grow so he cut and trimmed away at the green plants. As his cigarette, smoke billowing out from the end, hung in his mouth. It got to the point Jet didn't even realize it was there anymore. He was too immersed in his bonsai. It wasn't until the cigarette dropped from Jet's unknowing mouth and into the tiny jungle, almost sending his precious plants up into flames, that Jet knew something else was on his mind. He threw his cutters aside and strolled to his room. He knelt down and began feeling under his bed until he finally pulled out an old, dusty album. He blew off the layer of dust that had spread across the cover of the album before opening the book and turning the pages. Each page had a newspaper clipping, now brown with age. Finally he settled on a page and set the album down on his bed. He leaned back against the wall and just stared at the newsprint for a while. A window into something so long ago. Memories flowed into Jet's head as he read the headline: "_Cassidy Sundance rides into the sunset._"


End file.
